Suck so hard

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I believe that confidence is a constantly wavering line. To the people in the world who say that their confidence never waivers, I call bullshit. Because my parents and teachers always built me up when I was younger, I developed a bad case of high expectations. The balance beam of my faith in myself is currently at an all-time low for the following reasons: 

1. I just failed my lifeguarding inservice. Fortunately I was not fired, however I am not sure if I will be taken off the schedule until the next inservice. If that happens, I am screwed. The next inservice is in two weeks…two weeks without work!? I might as well just go home a month early. I failed specificially during a rescue test of a passive submerged victim. The test-giver was a manager who I am kind of petrified of because she screamed at me a few weeks ago during the training. She is also of larger stature and doesn’t act all that passive when I’m trying to ‘save’ her. Half of me feels like a crappy lifeguard who should quit before she royally bungles a real rescue and the other half of me realizes that I am generally a bad test taker and would probably do the right thing in an actual emergency. Having never done an actual deep water rescue, I don’t know for sure. I hope that they let me retake it before taking me off the schedule. Plus the test was at 8 a.m. and now the rest of my day has a negative sheen on it. 

2. I get the impression that I am not very easy to live with. I am slowly moving out of my boyfriend’s house into my own, and he wants me to hurry the process up. I know he is just tired of all my junk, but it is kind of disheartening and makes me think that living together for real would not work out. Also because we have very different ideas about food. 

3. Shopping and cooking for him and I is sometimes daunting in that we like different things and I will just clam up and not get what I want. This is totally a self-esteem thing because I will not buy something if he won’t eat it, because some twisted part of my brain doesn’t think I deserve it/doesn’t see the point in cooking for one. A big part of the cooking and eating process, for me, is to have people enjoy what I make. So if I’m just making something for myself that he is not going to eat, I find it really futile. When I live alone, I also eat very little and buy very little. 

I think I just need to convince myself that I AM worthy; that I am a good lifeguard, that I do not need someone else’s approval to validate my own self-worth, that I deserve to get myself things that I want. I bought a couple clothing items with my sister a few days ago and there is a perpetual nagging voice in the back of my head that is telling me to return them because I don’t deserve new clothes. It is hard to convince myself to be nice to myself. As weird as that sounds. 🙂 

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