Monthly Archives: June 2012

Suck so hard

Standard

I believe that confidence is a constantly wavering line. To the people in the world who say that their confidence never waivers, I call bullshit. Because my parents and teachers always built me up when I was younger, I developed a bad case of high expectations. The balance beam of my faith in myself is currently at an all-time low for the following reasons: 

1. I just failed my lifeguarding inservice. Fortunately I was not fired, however I am not sure if I will be taken off the schedule until the next inservice. If that happens, I am screwed. The next inservice is in two weeks…two weeks without work!? I might as well just go home a month early. I failed specificially during a rescue test of a passive submerged victim. The test-giver was a manager who I am kind of petrified of because she screamed at me a few weeks ago during the training. She is also of larger stature and doesn’t act all that passive when I’m trying to ‘save’ her. Half of me feels like a crappy lifeguard who should quit before she royally bungles a real rescue and the other half of me realizes that I am generally a bad test taker and would probably do the right thing in an actual emergency. Having never done an actual deep water rescue, I don’t know for sure. I hope that they let me retake it before taking me off the schedule. Plus the test was at 8 a.m. and now the rest of my day has a negative sheen on it. 

2. I get the impression that I am not very easy to live with. I am slowly moving out of my boyfriend’s house into my own, and he wants me to hurry the process up. I know he is just tired of all my junk, but it is kind of disheartening and makes me think that living together for real would not work out. Also because we have very different ideas about food. 

3. Shopping and cooking for him and I is sometimes daunting in that we like different things and I will just clam up and not get what I want. This is totally a self-esteem thing because I will not buy something if he won’t eat it, because some twisted part of my brain doesn’t think I deserve it/doesn’t see the point in cooking for one. A big part of the cooking and eating process, for me, is to have people enjoy what I make. So if I’m just making something for myself that he is not going to eat, I find it really futile. When I live alone, I also eat very little and buy very little. 

I think I just need to convince myself that I AM worthy; that I am a good lifeguard, that I do not need someone else’s approval to validate my own self-worth, that I deserve to get myself things that I want. I bought a couple clothing items with my sister a few days ago and there is a perpetual nagging voice in the back of my head that is telling me to return them because I don’t deserve new clothes. It is hard to convince myself to be nice to myself. As weird as that sounds. 🙂 

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Aside

Being in Spokane right now feels really strange. For the past two years of my being in college, I have always chosen this month to be at home. The longer I am here, the more I kick myself for not going home this month. My oldest and one of the most wonderful friends is traveling to New York, kind of for good, in just a few weeks. When I go home in August, she won’t be there. My dad and sister are out of school now, whereas they won’t be in August when I am actually there. Also, I am barely working here…my first day of job training is today, almost a month since I got out of school. 

I try to find creative ways to fill up my days, though I often resort to Netflix and cooking. I can’t really feel too sorry for myself because a) I chose to do this and b) I have it better than like 80% of the world. (Excluding the 20% that have the resources to jet off to foreign vacations at a moments notice and/or are having more fun than me while not working.)

I miss my mom and my dad and my sister and the slow, easy way of life that I took for granted in high school. I miss the genuine kindness, and the running-into-someone-you-know-everywhere-you-go-ness. I can’t think about it too much because I just start crying at completely random times. I chose to go to this school, I chose to stay with my boyfriend and wait until he can come with me to make my flight home…hence August. Sometimes it sucks planning your life around someone else’s agenda. Though I’ve spent the majority of my life just making plans for one, which is considerably easier but also considerably lonelier. I know that if I went home without him this month, I would have a persistent guilty feeling about leaving him here alone. 

Being in Spokan…